| If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. |
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Bar, money |
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| I started dating a zookeeper, but it turned out he was a cheetah. |
Lorna Rose Treen |
Relationships, animals |
English comedian. Best joke at Edinburgh Fringe 2023 #EdFringe |
| Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. |
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People |
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| I was raised as an only child – which really annoyed my sister. |
Will Marsh |
People, family |
British comedian. |
| I told a girl she had drawn her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised. |
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Think twice, people |
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| A dyslexic penguin walks into a bra. |
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Bar, clothing and animals. |
There are many variations on this theme. |
| I recently replaced our bed with a trampoline – my wife hit the roof when she found out! |
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People, relationships and marriage |
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| Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks “How do I drive this thing?” |
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Animals, transport |
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| I’ll never forget what my late uncle said to me, he said, I’m sorry I’m late. |
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Macabre, death, family |
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| I’m not being condescending. I’m too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn’t understand. |
Jimmy Carr |
Think twice |
British comedian. |
| So she phones me last night, and says “Come on over, no one’s home!” I got there, and there was no one home. |
Rodney Dangerfield |
Relationships |
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| It’s hard explaining puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally. |
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Think twice, stealing |
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| My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed. |
Rich Rogers |
The internet, relationships and privacy |
Tweeted 1 June 2019 |
| I don’t have a girlfriend, but I do know a girl who would get angry if she heard me say that. |
Mitch Hedberg |
Relationships |
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| I want to die like my Grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming in terror like his passengers. |
Jack Handey / Bob Monkhouse |
Macabre, people |
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| Spent the last three days alone trying to learn escapology. I need to get out more. |
Pete Firman |
People, jobs |
Edinburgh Fringe, 2016 #EdFringe |
| Did I already tell you the Déjà vu joke? |
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Think twice |
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| I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime. |
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Motoring, addiction |
One of ADDucation’s favorite one-liners. |
| “We don’t serve time travelers here,” said the bartender. A time traveler walks into a bar. |
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Bar, time travel |
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| Ok, so what if I don’t know what Armageddon means, it’s not the end of the world. |
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Vocabulary, word play, world. |
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| A man walks past a fridge and thinks he can hear onions singing Bee Gee’s songs but on opening the fridge he discovered it was only the chives talkin’ |
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Food, music, kitchen |
One of our friend Rachel’s best one liners :/ |
| I’m reading a great book about an immortal dog – I’m finding it impossible to put down. |
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Animals, books |
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| What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? Don’t know, don’t care. |
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Think twice |
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| A priest, a rabbi, and an imam walk into a bar and the bartender says to them, “what is this… a joke?” |
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Bar, religion |
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| No one turned up to the first meeting of my Sarcasm Club – despite loads of people saying how much they were looking forward to it… |
Milton Jones |
People |
One of Milton Jones best one liners. |
| The first guy who persuaded a blind person they needed sunglasses – he must have been a hell of a salesman. |
Jimmy Carr |
Sales |
British comedian. |
| Someone stole my thesaurus – I just can’t describe how angry I am! |
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Literature |
Many thesaurus joke variations. |
| The worst thesaurus in the world isn’t just useless, it’s useless. |
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Wordplay, literature |
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| The world champion tongue twister just got arrested and was given a really tough sentence. |
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Tongue twister, language |
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| I’d rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy. |
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Bar, wordplay and health |
One of the classic best one liners ever. |
| All those who believe in psychokinesis… raise my hand. |
Steven Wright |
Special powers |
American comedian |
| He had a photographic memory which was never developed. |
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Wordplay, photography |
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| I was watching a dog chasing its tail thinking “dogs are easily amused” and then I realized I was watching a dog chasing its tail. |
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Animals, think twice |
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| I hate funerals. I’m not a mourning person. |
Will Mars |
People, death |
English comedian. #EdFringe2022 |
| I’m reading a book about anti-gravity – I can’t put it down. |
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Physics, science |
One of the best one liners about physics. |
| On the other hand, you have different fingers. |
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Wordplay, body |
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| It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. |
Woody Allen |
Death, movie quotes |
Movie “Without Feathers” 1975 |
| Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar… and doesn’t. |
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Bar, physics, science and think twice |
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| I’ve been happily married for four years… out of a total of ten. |
Mark Watson |
People, relationships |
Edinburgh Fringe, 2016 |
| Who designed King Arthur’s round table? Sir Cumference of course! |
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Mythology, mathematics and wordplay |
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| The past, the present and the future walk into a bar. It was tense. |
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Bar, grammar and time travel |
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| I spent the whole morning building a time machine, so that’s four hours of my life that I’m definitely getting back. |
Olaf Falafel |
Time travel, machines, sci-fi |
Surrealist comedian. One of the best one liners about time travel. #EdFringe2022 |
| I intend to live forever. So far, so good. |
Steven Wright |
People, life |
American comedian |
| I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception. |
Groucho Marx |
Relationships, people |
One of the classic best one liners ever. |
| The first rule of Tautology Club is the first rule of Tautology Club. |
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Think twice |
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| Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask. |
Jordan Brookes |
Think twice, health |
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| I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already. |
Tommy Cooper |
Diets, drinks |
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| I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long. |
Mitch Hedberg |
Sleep, health |
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| There are two secrets to success in life. First of all, don’t tell all you know… |
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Life & death, think twice |
One of the best one liners to leave hanging… |
| Some people say I’m too vague, but you know how the saying goes… |
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Think twice, people |
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| Crime in multi-storey car parks is wrong on so many different levels… |
Tim Vine |
Motoring, crime |
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| I got a belt on that’s holding up my pants, and the pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What’s going on here? Who is the real hero? |
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Puzzle, think twice |
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